Still Here (boring post) 

It has been roughly six months, give or take, since my last post stating that I was going to take a little break. I feel that break time is coming  to an end and I’ll be posting more in the next few weeks. 

A lot has been going on in life, lately.

Just to catch you up on some recent events and stream-of-consciousness thoughts:

My maternal grandmother passed away last week from cancer caused by a lifetime of smoking. I hardly knew her as she was a drug addled alcoholic living in self-induced poverty on the bad side of town and never had the time nor inclination to see her family. Often times I find myself incredulous as to how I didn’t end up like my many of my family members. 
I’m the only white-collar worker out of five children. My mother has a degree but lives in near squalor near where my grandmother did because she’d rather drink, smoke, and hang out/party with the wrong crowd. She had a great mind once, but her addictions slowly eroded it to where she is now a shell of her former self. 

I have reached a new low in my life, as well. I’m battling with trying to quit drinking. I wouldn’t say I’m an alcoholic, but I do enjoy a drink or two each night. Alcohol takes my mind off the boring family life I have. My kids are old enough to see it, and although I know I’m supposed to care, I truly don’t. I know I should be an example to them, someone to model themselves after. I can remember a point in my younger years wanting to be a shining role model for my kids. I can’t find that feeling anymore and I’m close to giving up the search. I think it’s too late anyway, at least in regard to my oldest two children.

Psychopathy is great in many respects. The biggest downside for me is boredom. I have mentioned before that I can start a new project but eventually, depending on my enthusiasm levels, I will burn out and grow tired of it. It feels as if my family project is suffering the same fate. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family. I’d kill or die for them if necessary. But at the same time I feel bothered and inconvenienced by them. I spend most nights reading, mainly on political or philosophical topics. The kids run around the house getting themselves into trouble while my wife goes nuts trying to keep them from hurting themselves or each other. All the while I sit and spiral farther into boredom watching the world go by. However, lately I’ve gotten back into lifting. My oldest son has been bench-pressing with me, as well, so we’re bonding a bit. My oldest daughter hates me, but I won’t get into that. Suffice it to say that she is me made-over in female form. Our character traits and personalities are nearly indistinguishable. Our similarities are what drive us apart, similar to the like poles of a magnet. 

My two youngest are still in their innocent years, still toddlers, so they still believe that daddy hung the moon. It’s nice because it strokes my ego, albeit slightly. 

My wife, on the other hand, I can feel is growing tired of dealing with me. We rarely do anything together anymore. All my old tricks to warm her back up to me don’t work on her anymore and I’ve grown tired of devising new ones. It’s not that she isn’t worth it, it’s because I’ve been in a slump. Perhaps a good detox is necessary to get my brain back on track. No more alcohol, no more nicotine… or maybe just cutting it down to weekends only. Hell, I don’t know anymore. I’m practically indifferent to everything now. 

Well, after glancing at the clock, I see it’s quittin’ time. 

Until later… 

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Still Here (boring post) 

5 thoughts on “Still Here (boring post) 

  1. Zion Salazar says:

    I’m glad to see that these posts will be continued, they help me in finding words to describe my inner workings, thank you for your excellent syntax.

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    1. I appreciate the compliment on my writing. I make every attempt in my rather small linguistic repertoire to ensure that my grammar and syntax are correct. Glad to hear you enjoy the blog.

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  2. I missed your post earlier – cant believe I am saying this – but try … try not to give up. YET. maybe when you are wheelchair bound and with incontinence … maybe. Well THAT’S when I intend to. I know what you are referring to – the sheer boredom. But I think, the only difference I don’t think I should impart that feeling to the younger generation, they should be at least allowed to enjoy a period of their lives in “hope and imagination” (!! did I just say that?)
    As we get older in life, I think it is hard to make it all pink and fluffy – sadly I have been looking for answers for sometime now and short of being bestowed with a super gift of a higher power, I am not sure what excites. Maybe an offering of an art gallery show of my amateur works.
    Interesting your daughter … how does your wife handle her? or do they get along?
    By the way, your wife does know of what you say you are right?
    I apologise if I am asking too many questions – whatever is comfortable..
    Hope you feel better soon ok. .. ps. thoughts on Trump?

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  3. nameless says:

    I just found you on quora and since I’m interested in psychopaths (and everything that is considered “not normal”) and I’m glad I found your site so I hope you find the motivation to keep updating. But I wonder, why don’t you give up and start again? I do not know what it must be like to have a family as a psychopath, actually in general. I do not understand why people have kids besides well… having sex, idk. My adoptive mother always showed me love and affection and tried her best to make me study and graduate from college, wants me to have a normal life but for me its all the same. I’m not sure I’d like to have kids, I find most annoying, also I wouldnt know what the hell to teach them or how to guide them and the whole idea is just weird but what do you think about it. You’ve said you love your kids and wife, I don’t know if you would talk about what it is for you to have your own family, to raise your kids, the reasons…

    I hope I can continue reading you.

    Like

    1. Thank you for the comment. I gave up on Quora a while ago for a couple of different reasons. There many people on there posing as “real” psychopaths when in fact, if one reads their answers carefully, you can spot their fraud. Another reason was the lack of original questions. People seem to not be inclined to search for an answer before asking a question that has been asked 100 times before.

      As regards your question on why I don’t just “give up and start again”, I simply refuse to. I don’t have much in the way of accomplishments in my life. Yes, I’m a white-collar IT worker and I bring home a substantial paycheck each month, but other than that, I don’t have what I see as any true accomplishments. My childhood was wrought with anguish and negativity because my parents divorced when I was only 5. My stepmother was probably the most terrible human being I ever met in my life. I truly believe she was the catalyst that helped my then hidden psychopathic tendencies to flourish. Anyway, I told you that brief history to get to my point. That being that I refuse to put myself and my children through the same situation. Despite the oft held belief that psychopaths do not feel emotions, they can indeed feel some, and some even deeply. I love my children, but not in same way as neurotypical people do. I see them as reflections of myself and personal possessions. They are mine and they are me, in a sense. Also, I see divorce as an absolute personal failure. Thus, to give up on them and start a new life would be a failure on my part. My parents divorced, thus they failed. I refuse to do the same because I am better than that.

      I appreciate your reading my blog. I will be posting more often from time to time with updates and my thoughts on different subjects. I posted something new today, as a matter of fact.

      Let me know if you have any questions.

      Like

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