It has been roughly six months, give or take, since my last post stating that I was going to take a little break. I feel that break time is coming to an end and I’ll be posting more in the next few weeks.
A lot has been going on in life, lately.
Just to catch you up on some recent events and stream-of-consciousness thoughts:
My maternal grandmother passed away last week from cancer caused by a lifetime of smoking. I hardly knew her as she was a drug addled alcoholic living in self-induced poverty on the bad side of town and never had the time nor inclination to see her family. Often times I find myself incredulous as to how I didn’t end up like my many of my family members.
I’m the only white-collar worker out of five children. My mother has a degree but lives in near squalor near where my grandmother did because she’d rather drink, smoke, and hang out/party with the wrong crowd. She had a great mind once, but her addictions slowly eroded it to where she is now a shell of her former self.
I have reached a new low in my life, as well. I’m battling with trying to quit drinking. I wouldn’t say I’m an alcoholic, but I do enjoy a drink or two each night. Alcohol takes my mind off the boring family life I have. My kids are old enough to see it, and although I know I’m supposed to care, I truly don’t. I know I should be an example to them, someone to model themselves after. I can remember a point in my younger years wanting to be a shining role model for my kids. I can’t find that feeling anymore and I’m close to giving up the search. I think it’s too late anyway, at least in regard to my oldest two children.
Psychopathy is great in many respects. The biggest downside for me is boredom. I have mentioned before that I can start a new project but eventually, depending on my enthusiasm levels, I will burn out and grow tired of it. It feels as if my family project is suffering the same fate. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family. I’d kill or die for them if necessary. But at the same time I feel bothered and inconvenienced by them. I spend most nights reading, mainly on political or philosophical topics. The kids run around the house getting themselves into trouble while my wife goes nuts trying to keep them from hurting themselves or each other. All the while I sit and spiral farther into boredom watching the world go by. However, lately I’ve gotten back into lifting. My oldest son has been bench-pressing with me, as well, so we’re bonding a bit. My oldest daughter hates me, but I won’t get into that. Suffice it to say that she is me made-over in female form. Our character traits and personalities are nearly indistinguishable. Our similarities are what drive us apart, similar to the like poles of a magnet.
My two youngest are still in their innocent years, still toddlers, so they still believe that daddy hung the moon. It’s nice because it strokes my ego, albeit slightly.
My wife, on the other hand, I can feel is growing tired of dealing with me. We rarely do anything together anymore. All my old tricks to warm her back up to me don’t work on her anymore and I’ve grown tired of devising new ones. It’s not that she isn’t worth it, it’s because I’ve been in a slump. Perhaps a good detox is necessary to get my brain back on track. No more alcohol, no more nicotine… or maybe just cutting it down to weekends only. Hell, I don’t know anymore. I’m practically indifferent to everything now.
Well, after glancing at the clock, I see it’s quittin’ time.