Journal Notes 1

I thought I would post some entries I’ve logged in the journal my psychologist insisted I create and update.

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I have no patience for anything that impedes my will. If I want something done or accomplished, I will make sure it is done, no matter the cost.

I absolutely loathe small talk or chit chat unless I start it. If a conversation serves no real purpose then it is worthless.

I drive rather recklessly. I speed most of the time. My wife says I have no regard for the safety of our children when we’re riding together as a family. I have, on occasion, taken many risks with the family in the car. I remember specifically nearly colliding with two other vehicles while trying to get get around another vehicle and turn left. This is just one of many occurrences. I have road rage and I tend to “get even” with drivers who slight me in any way. I have driven while intoxicated countless times.

I don’t care for or tolerate other people’s opinions if they differ from my own.

I think that the majority of people are exceedingly unintelligent and/or willfully ignorant.

I rarely dream. At least, I don’t remember them at all. If I do, my dreams are either extremely boring or equally strange. On occasion I reason in my dreams… lucid dreaming.

A recurring nightmare I had as a child was me being stranded on the outer ledge of a circular cement construction in the middle of the sea. On the inside of the construction the sea drained into a bottomless void.

I have a constant, insatiable drive for excitement, typically in intellectual and spiritual endeavors. I have changed religions at least 15 times. I have changed political views just as many times. I get bored with one by burning myself out on the excitement of learning everything about it and practicing/living it, then I move to another from sheer boredom.

Alcohol severely impairs any memory now…even small amounts of it.

When I was 13 or 14 I was in ROTC. One of the former commanders of our unit died and I was asked to stand a detail at his funeral. I remember telling my mother, who was driving me to the funeral, “I am positive I’ll get an award for this.”

My younger siblings irritated me beyond belief. My youngest brother was the worst. I remember slamming him against the wall on more than a few occasions when he really irritated me.

Even without alcohol I have memory problems. 

I will lie simply for the hell of it. To see if I can get away with it.

I learn people’s sympathies so that I can disarm them when or if I need to.

I naturally never trust anyone. I only trust my own judgment.

I cannot stand contention between 3rd parties. I see it as rude and unintelligent behavior. I spent the first 20 years of my life working on keeping what family I had left on speaking terms, at the least.

To satisfy my need for thrills I will drive recklessly and without regard for others. Often my children are in the car which upsets my wife, of course. I remember once driving down the wrong side of the road and turning into a perpendicular turning lane where an oncoming van nearly hit us.

I held a knife to a childhood friend’s throat to make him stay at my house to play when he was supposed to be going home for supper.

I stuffed cats into a/c vents, threw shurikens at them, and tied cherry bombs and bottle rockets to frogs and snakes.

I manipulated other children out of money and possessions.

My wife and I were watching the House episode entitled Remorse which featured a psychopathic woman. I looked over at my wife whilst watching and she was crying. I asked her why and she said, “that’s you”.

I stole money, jewelry from friends and their parents.

I’ve destroyed walls, doors, expensive televisions, phones, gaming consoles and other such things in fits of rage.

My mother was constantly drunk and my father was never around.

My mother tried to drown me in a hotel pool when I was about 8 to 10 years old.

My mother locked me and my brother in our room for long lengths of time, sometimes without supper.

I started smoking at 8 years old. I remember sneaking and smoking my mother’s cigarettes. She kept them on the microwave.

My mother left me alone at home for hours on end when I was 7 years old.

My parents divorced when I was 5.

I had to grow up relatively quickly. I was told often that I was wise beyond my years. I grew detached from my father and mother, my mother because she abandoned me at times and my father for the same reason. He was obsessed with his work and never had time. My mother was an alcoholic and lived/loved to party.

I frequently steal change from desk drawers at work. There is a thrill to it.

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That’s enough for now. I’ll post more later.

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Journal Notes 1

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