Still Here (boring post) 

It has been roughly six months, give or take, since my last post stating that I was going to take a little break. I feel that break time is coming  to an end and I’ll be posting more in the next few weeks. 

A lot has been going on in life, lately.

Just to catch you up on some recent events and stream-of-consciousness thoughts:

My maternal grandmother passed away last week from cancer caused by a lifetime of smoking. I hardly knew her as she was a drug addled alcoholic living in self-induced poverty on the bad side of town and never had the time nor inclination to see her family. Often times I find myself incredulous as to how I didn’t end up like my many of my family members. 
I’m the only white-collar worker out of five children. My mother has a degree but lives in near squalor near where my grandmother did because she’d rather drink, smoke, and hang out/party with the wrong crowd. She had a great mind once, but her addictions slowly eroded it to where she is now a shell of her former self. 

I have reached a new low in my life, as well. I’m battling with trying to quit drinking. I wouldn’t say I’m an alcoholic, but I do enjoy a drink or two each night. Alcohol takes my mind off the boring family life I have. My kids are old enough to see it, and although I know I’m supposed to care, I truly don’t. I know I should be an example to them, someone to model themselves after. I can remember a point in my younger years wanting to be a shining role model for my kids. I can’t find that feeling anymore and I’m close to giving up the search. I think it’s too late anyway, at least in regard to my oldest two children.

Psychopathy is great in many respects. The biggest downside for me is boredom. I have mentioned before that I can start a new project but eventually, depending on my enthusiasm levels, I will burn out and grow tired of it. It feels as if my family project is suffering the same fate. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family. I’d kill or die for them if necessary. But at the same time I feel bothered and inconvenienced by them. I spend most nights reading, mainly on political or philosophical topics. The kids run around the house getting themselves into trouble while my wife goes nuts trying to keep them from hurting themselves or each other. All the while I sit and spiral farther into boredom watching the world go by. However, lately I’ve gotten back into lifting. My oldest son has been bench-pressing with me, as well, so we’re bonding a bit. My oldest daughter hates me, but I won’t get into that. Suffice it to say that she is me made-over in female form. Our character traits and personalities are nearly indistinguishable. Our similarities are what drive us apart, similar to the like poles of a magnet. 

My two youngest are still in their innocent years, still toddlers, so they still believe that daddy hung the moon. It’s nice because it strokes my ego, albeit slightly. 

My wife, on the other hand, I can feel is growing tired of dealing with me. We rarely do anything together anymore. All my old tricks to warm her back up to me don’t work on her anymore and I’ve grown tired of devising new ones. It’s not that she isn’t worth it, it’s because I’ve been in a slump. Perhaps a good detox is necessary to get my brain back on track. No more alcohol, no more nicotine… or maybe just cutting it down to weekends only. Hell, I don’t know anymore. I’m practically indifferent to everything now. 

Well, after glancing at the clock, I see it’s quittin’ time. 

Until later… 

Still Here (boring post) 

Without the Mask – 3 Questions Answered

Another set of interesting questions was asked on Quora, which I answered.

1. What are you like without the mask? 

My short answer? Free. 

The mask is merely a facade constructed from my ability to observe what behaviors are socially acceptable and which are not. The mask is in a constant state of flux, changing as new behaviors are observed and new situations are encountered. 

No matter what, though, the mask is a restraint, or at the least, a one way mirror. I can see you, but you can’t see me. 

Without the mask, I am free. The monstrum in animo is set loose, able to manifest itself, without boundaries, in thought, speech, or action. Yet, unless I am alone, this rarely happens. In public settings, or even in the company of a single person, the mask is automatic. The only way it slips in the company of others is if I’ve had a bit to much to drink, if I become very angry, or otherwise somehow lose control of my mental faculties. This is rare for me.

On the few occasions that it has happened, I have been seen for who I am. A person lacking any semblance of morality, wholly indifferent to the problems of others. 

2. Do you really have no real identity? 

Your personal identity is the combination of traits and characteristics, shaped by your genetic makeup, environment, and life experiences. As Mr. Midgley stated, personal identity is a construct formed in your mind by the foregoing. 

This is very reminiscent of Buddhist thought. There is no single thing you can point to and say “this is me”. There is no “I”. That which you call “I” or “me” is made up of, and dependent upon, a multitude of different components. You and everyone else are always changing, never remaining permanent (much like the mask of the psychopath). 

For neurotypicals, your identity is your mask. Though it changes with time and experience, yours is permanently fixed. 

Psychopaths have an identity behind the mask because we are human beings. We had childhoods, attended school, we talk to people, and have many of the same life experiences as neurotypicals that have all helped shape our identities. The difference is that our identity was formed without certain ingredients such as empathy, morality, and conscience. The identity of the psychopath is filtered by our mask when we must wear it and is expressed with only a cognitive understanding of the lacking ingredients. 

3. What do you benefit from answering questions on Quora?

This will differ from person to person. First, I believe that the true psychopaths here that answer questions are doing it for fun, relaxation, and to help themselves more so than to help others. They are maximizing their utility, as some have mentioned. 

Some of us may actually be making a genuine attempt at educating the curious on what a psychopath is, and what they are like firsthand. This is demonstrated by the numerous answers I have seen that denounce certain infamous clinical psychologists that try to paint psychopathy with a broad brush, making us all seem like sinister, sub-human beings. 

I answer questions for all of these reasons.

Without the Mask – 3 Questions Answered

Do Psychopaths Fantasize About Murder

This was a question asked by an anonymous person on Quora. I answered with the following.

***********

I have written a little about this in my blog. I often do fantasize about murder but for more reasons than “just because”. 

For me it is a way to gain control over someone in my mind. It’s about power. I fantasize about how I would kill nearly everyone I meet. The method differs from person to person based on gender and how I size them up. However, the reason I do it remains the same, to gain control, to assert my will to power over you in my mind.

These fantasies, and that is all they are, help to quell or diminish the urges that I often feel. If I try to fight my urges, they only come back stronger so I let the fantasy play out in my head. So far it has worked every time and I believe it always will because I also have a high level of Narcissism. I’m too important and intelligent to put myself in a real life situation that would either end in my imprisonment or a death sentence. No one is worth it. 

In the interest of being completely honest, I admit that on occasion if I see someone walking alone down a sidewalk while I’m driving by, I will think to myself, “If I I had to kill this person, how would I do it?” Or, “I wonder if I could get away with killing this person. No one is around, no one would know.”

Again, it is an assertion of dominance. Weakness and vulnerability seem to attract psychopaths like moths to a flame. We can see it, smell it, taste it. Ted Bundy, for instance, stated in an interview that he could pick out his next victim simply by the way she walked. What’s funny is that when I heard him say this, I knew exactly what he meant. I knew precisely the kind of walk he was talking about.

Those like me, though, who are smart enough, will devise ways to deal with their urges without getting into trouble. 

My own customized method works for me for a few reasons. For one, I’m already a physically intimidating person. I stand 6’3″, I lift weights every day, and weigh 240 lbs. I also have extensive combat and weapons training provided by a stint in the Marine Corps. So physically I know that I can most likely manhandle most people. All I have to do is size a person up and work things out in my head so that I know what I need to do if I ever had to act. I let the scenario play out in my mind and I feel comfortable knowing that I have control.

Do Psychopaths Fantasize About Murder

Longer List of Psychopathic Characteristics

I always enjoy reading characterizations of psychopathy. Here is an extensive list I found. Link at bottom.

I do not agree with all of them, but the majority fit quite well.

1.) Has no conscience. Feels no remorse or guilt.

2.) Manipulates people by “pulling strings” or “pushing the right buttons.” Can be very cunning.

3.) Is perceived to be “sticky”, “slimy” or “slippery.”

4.) Is a “control freak” Has to have all the power.

5.) Is a “serial bully”. Has one main bully target at a time. Once he loses control of that bully target, he feels compelled to find another bully target very quickly to sink his claws into.

6.) Has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, thinking that the world revolves around him. This is known as “egocentricity.” Is a Narcissist.

7.) Is a “fantasist”

8.) Glares at people with piercing eyes. Women may mistake this for sexual magnetism.When angry face can look very evil, almost demonic.

9.) Would unexpectedly say very hurtful things.

10.) Consistently apportions blame to others when things go wrong, regardless of how logically an explanation was given – “whipping boy” – “fall guy”.

11.) Twists and distorts facts to his advantage.

12.) Jekyll and Hyde personality. Two personalities, one good, one bad/evil.

13.) Applies his distorted sense of reality (psychosis) to others, accusing         them of faults and weaknesses that are actually his own.              

14.) Inability to accept responsibility or blame for his actions. He is                always “in denial.”

15.) Can get vicious if cornered.

16.) Spins a “web of deceit.”  Is a pathological liar.

17.) Has a “hidden agenda.”

18.) Has a “selective memory” – remembers your mistakes but forgets his own.

19.) Seldom plans for the long and medium terms, believing himself to be             immune to the consequences of his own actions.

20.) Takes the credit for other people’s work. This is known as …”plagiarism.”

21.) Demands absolute loyalty. Only likes you if you do exactly what he wants, therefore attempting to reinforce manipulation.

22.) Tries to make you feel guilty (“the guilt trip”) If you protest about doing what he wants you to do. For example, saying to you “You are causing me so many problems because of your selfishness.”

23.) Often exhibits an unusually high level of charm. Commonly uses flattery to win people over so they can be manipulated.

24.) May have an impenetrable veneer of charm, or “superficial politeness”, that makes it very difficult to ask pertinent or searching questions that would reveal his true self. For example, he may constantly crack jokes or dwell on pleasantries with no substance, discussing the weather for example. A psychopathic veneer of charm may manifest itself in organizations by using glossy brochures and marketing that portrays things in an idealistic way that has little bearing on reality – “charm offensive.”

25.) Happy to dish out criticism or abuse – not happy to receive criticism or abuse – “do as I say, not as I do.”

26.) Makes an audible noise when walking around, such as humming,           whistling, singing, making duck-noises or clicking fingers.

27.) Uses frequent hand movements when talking.

28.) Gives you a sense of being “talked at” rather than being “talked to” when the psychopath engages you in conversation.

29.) Inability to understand irony.

30.) He can’t be trusted. Breaks promises and breaches matters intended to be in confidence.

31.) Stabs you in the back.

32.) Fakes sincerity with great conviction. For example he may be profusely apologetic, if he is caught red-handed doing some misdemeanor, but then do the same misdemeanor the next week if he thinks he can get away with it. He is incapable of a sincere apology.

33.) Lacks tact.

34.) Is not a team player – he acts autocratically.

35.) Is two-faced.

36.) Hates people who are more talented than he is as it shows up his own inadequacies which he may in turn “project” onto that person.

37.) Flies into a rage over a small problem – “nit picking.”

38.) Lacks any kind of personal depth.

39.) Has a beaming, charismatic and even messianic smile. Any politicians spring to mind ?

40.) Gets others to do his dirty work – “attack dogs” or “hatchet men.”

41.) Changes the rules frequently but denies the inconsistency.

42.) May plunge into detail about something without appreciating that you don’t know the context.

43.) May express anger because you don’t know something that he assumes you know but there is no reason why you should know it and no-one has told you.

44.) Interprets criticism of himself (even constructive criticism) as a personal insult or personal attack.

45.) Expresses anger at emotional outbursts from others.

46.) May use the word “I” frequently in conversation and with emphasis.

47.) May use expressions such as “I’m just looking after number one” or “I was just following orders” as an excuse to justify abuse.

48.) Rarely gets depressed.

49.) Is more concerned about the welfare of an inanimate object than a human being. For example, if he witnesses a person colliding with an inanimate object and hurting themselves, he may be more concerned about possible damage to the inanimate object.

50.) Likes to find out about or observe other psychopaths. For example, likes to watch Hollywood action films with psychopathic characters or read books about psychopathic historical characters such as Napoleon. Perhaps this partly explains why different psychopaths often use similar “scripts” for their deceitful practices.

51.) Never remembers his own emotional outbursts or denies having them.

52.) Sees things in black or white – something is either all “good” or all “evil”. Does this remind you of any politicians?

53.) Lectures you endlessly until you agree. For example, think of the tendency of dictators to give speeches that go on for hours – this is “extreme lecturing.”

54.) Unusual or abnormal sense of direction.

55.) Has little interest in making any effort to make you feel comfortable, unless he is manipulating you.

56.) They can express remorse when they lose control of someone they are abusing. This is just a form of self-pity as the psycho now has to go to the trouble of “grooming” a new target.

57.) Makes forced loud laughter – belly laugh.

58.) Excessive use of makeup. Preening. Excessive touching of hair.

59.) Often attributes others to saying things about them, for example, “My mother says that I have the most lovely hair.” or refers to himself in the third person.

60.) Inability to say thank you. Inability to return a compliment. Inability to reciprocate or acknowledge an act of kindness.

61.) May make or be seen to make token acts of kindness, for example donations to charity. However these acts are not sincere and are intended just to reinforce the psycho’s pretence of being a good person or as some form of manipulation.

62.) Has an abnormal “startle response” – doesn’t jump or startle when we would. This is documented by professionals, but not well known among the public.

63.) Abnormal sense of smell. Psychopaths may not smell things we can or not as well as we can (olfactory sense). This seems to be verified by research of psychosis variations. Excessive use of colognes, aftershave or perfumes.

64.) Normal people may sense or feel the presence of “evil”. It permeates from the psychopath. We react with nausea, fear, and we often say “Oh, he doesn’t mean that”. It is often intangible and something we can’t really define.

65.) Loves giving explicit details of gory operations or violent incidents that he has heard about, for example in films or on TV.

66.) Thinks that normal rules of society don’t apply to him – he is somehow exempt. He is not concerned with right or wrong for his own actions – only with whether he can get away with doing something without being caught. However he may insist that others adhere to strict rules of his making.

67.) May show an odd fascination with fire, weapons, drugs or alcohol.

68.) Throws out items normally kept. Has no items or discards any with only ‘sentimental connections

69.) May have a commanding physical presence.

70.) Drives recklessly.

71.) Obsession with neatness and tidiness.

72.) May be cruel to animals, for example, stamps on worms.

73.) Thinks that it is necessary for someone else to fail for him to succeed. He will often make sure that someone fails by using deceit. A psycho manager may engineer failure in an employee by overloading with work or setting impossible deadlines.

http://www.dovechristiancounseling.com/Characteristics-Of-Psychopaths.html

Longer List of Psychopathic Characteristics

More Early Memories

I have had a sudden flood if memories from my childhood that relate to my condition. I wanted to write them down before I forget them again.

My stepmother was a monster. I always hated her after she married my father and let her true colors shine through. She was extremely religious and made me learn Bible verses and say my nightly prayers. Always the same boring “As I lay me down to sleep” drudgery.

I remember one night she and I fought for who knows what reason, but I remember deciding that I wanted her dead. Rather than say the usual prayer before bedtime, I modified it.

“As I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord your soul to reap.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord your neck to break.”

Corny.

That’s all I can remember.

*************************

My dad would sometimes take me with him to visit his friends. One time when I was 6 or 7, we were at his friend Ricky’s house. He had an old house, one with those air conditioning vents on the floor rather than the ceiling. Ricky also had a new kitten. Dad and Ricky went out back for something and left me alone with the kitten. I pried one of the a/c vents open, picked up the kitten, stuffed it down the duct, and replaced the vent.

I never found out what happened to that cat.

More Early Memories